11-25-11

Today is like any other day. Things come, and things go. Feelin' moody/bi-polar lately. I've noticed I get sad/agitated when no one pays attention to me. Zach keeps making fun of crack addicts, and repeating shit I said, referring to sucking dick for crack, then laughing at it. It's insulting. Jean (Gene?) said she'd be moving me over as soon as there's a bed open. THANK GOD! I need to pray more often. Fount out that I'm indeed not pregnant. No biscuits in this oven. :( I was kind of hoping I was. Anyway, I'm so GD bored! I just want to watch T.V. or play video games or something. I have way too much time to think. I can't think too much in this fragile state. Also, my thinking is very limited at this time, like they're so abundant that I can't organize them and they're moving so fast, that I can't keep up with them. This happened last time, too. Seems like drugs help me think more clearly, as condescending as that might be. Also, I lose my train of thought more often. I just want a pool to swim in. Float on my back, the water drowning the noise out, so it's deathly quiet, except for the sound of water moving. It's so relaxing to look at the night sky and see clusters of stars, or to close your eyes and let your mind go completely blank. Antwain's been on my mind a lot. Not real sure why. I guess because we never really had a chance to make our relationship work, thanks to crack. But we're so hard-headed that it probably wouldn't have lasted long anyway. Then again, I think of when we first met and dated and moved in. We were happy. Content. I wanted/want that again, so badly. I do love him so much. Ever since that day I got totally fucked up on 7H, and he said he loved me. Things just always seem to go wrong with me. They get sour real fast. Why is that? Do I destroy things, subconsciously, that make me happy? Does the Devil have a strange interest in me? I'll never know. I just have to try my damndest to keep things the way they start out, until I die. Until next time....