So, yesterday I had a session with Pat, and we did EMDR. It lead me to the seps 1-3 gate (two columns and the arch) that I had to walk through, in the session, but I never walked through it. All I heard was a soothing, familiar voice say "Patience, guidance, no fear." I had no idea who said it or where it came from. All the sudden, the lights in Pat's office cut off, and we sat there in total silence for about 30 seconds before the lights cut back on. The building's lights didn't go out anywhere else. It was so mystical and wonderful. It was awesome. Then today, I get a returned envelope that I forgot to put Antwain's apartment number on, enclosed with the sweet letters I wrote before I decided to fully cut him from my life. I'm so glad, because I don't want him to get the idea that I want anything to do with him anymore. I don't, because he was nothing more to me than a mere fix, like crack cocaine. I wrote him a letter, replacing those that were sent back to me. I'm not going to burn or send the new letter. Instead, whenever I think about Antwain, I will keep writing letters like that. So, God showed me a new coping skill. Thank you! Oh, last night the fire drill went off at 3:00am, and kept me tossing and turning all night. I worry and pray for Melody (a woman here). She's not in her right mind yet. God, I want you to help guide her. Also, been really irritable lately. I get to go to WalMart tomorrow! Yay! Audrey, the biggest skank-ho bitch keeps invading my vibes, throwing me off completely, which irritates me. Going home next Thursday, and OH-SO ready. :( But I'll miss folks.
Good day, considering my mom said to "keep an open mind" because, if they have a bed at Oasis available before xmas, and I can't have it after the holidays are over, I may have to go before xmas. That upsets me, so I told her I don't want to talk about it until it's an actual issue. Started doin my hemp knots again, and made more earrings. Yay! I really don't know what to talk about. Lately, I've been thinking about drugs and alcohol, and it's furthering to wanting to use, but I'm not. Also, I've been thinking about Twain more often. I wonder what he's thinking, or if he is even thinking about me. Anyway, I've been feeling lethargic about my recovery. That may be because it's time to move forward. Can't really move any further at this point. I'll talk to Pat about it tomorrow.
Well, today was fucking exhausting. Was supposed to see Pat today, but ended up having to go to the IOP (intensive outpatient) orientation instead, then straight to the Chiropractor after that. We had Process Group this morning, which wore me out, then the Community Meeting. OMG. The Community Meeting was ridiculous. How do you nicely tell someone to shut the fuck up while they're still talking? I love Kenyatta, but she just goes on and on and on about the same shit, repeating herself in the process. Pat, herself, could hardly intervene! Anyway, after that was lunch then my epic journey to IOP, where Melody also went on ..... and on... I finally told the IOP dude (at about 2:30), that I had a doctors appointment to be at, around 3:00! He tried to hurry Melody, but ya know how that goes! So, John Little (who keeps throwing more-than-friendly smiles at me, which I like, but makes me feel awkward) takes me to my appointment. I actually made it 10 minutes early, thank God! JUST to find out that I have to come back for x-rays because the machine was being worked on. GREAT. Now, I asked mom to pay another $35 co-pay, but I did find out: my shoulder leans to the left, and so do I. He said he felt strange movement when I moved my neck. SO I still have to do x-rays. Mom said "WELL, I'm gonna talk to this DOCTOR and see what's goin on, because it sounds like he's rippin' you off trying to make you pay another $35 co-pay on some x-rays that should've been taken today!" I agree, though. So, she's calling tomorrow, as I finish my last 10 days here, and in IOP. Blah.
Great, but TIRED day! I've been voted COMMUNITY LEADER of the womens community, and I write the schedule board for the morning, and lead AA/NA/DRA groups at night. Also, as community leader, I get to go to WalMart for the Saturday store run for all the girls! Fun stuff! Yesterday, I saw mom at the family weekend thing. Dad had to work. Oh well. We talked a lot, and it felt good. She's happy for me taking on the leadership role, because it makes her feel that I'm doing good, and meaning it this time. Awesome! Today I held my first meeting, and it was NA. It went great, and everyone said they loved it. :) The topic was "Similarities & Differences in our Addiction." Basically telling them to see the similarities in our stories, rather than the differences. Tomorrow is going to be "Me, Myself, & Trust." I'm happy. Well, night-night time!
Had a great Process Group with Pat today. She touched on Guilt, and how it's an action, that is followed by the feeling of shame. We have to cope with our shame, and learn to put it in the past, instead of constantly relishing/doing it. That's so true! Also, got my nails done today. Yay! They so purdy! Lol Group tonight was good. Just good productive talk. Rosemary, one of the Resident Counselors, is a trip! I love that lady! Audrey is a psycho hellion that won't let shit go. I mean, who "falls in love" in rehab anyway? Ugh, on another note, I'm going to see a Chiropractor next week. AND, this weekend is family weekend! Yay! But mom & dad can't come on Sunday. SADFACE! :( But I get to see them Saturday.
Today was SO lazy and sluggish. Didn't attend hardly any groups but one. Saw Pat today, and finished going over my timeline. Apparently I'm attracted to chaos. Talked to mom today, and had a good talk. I miss them so much. I feel like I have detached from them, and I hope I can spend a few days with them so I can rekindle whatever was lost. I'm hopeful though, more than discouraged, like I was the day I walked into La Paloma. Anyway, Suzanne is an awesome roomie. She makes me laugh so much. We're so much alike. We have that same dorky sense of humor, and morbidness. Oh. Painted rocks today. Also, I've been painting a lot, too. I'm so glad I got my creativity/inspiration back. :) It's nice to feel sober.
Today was good. I'm feeling extremely anxious lately, want to do everything/anything productive, besides meetings/groups...Go figure! I NEED to commit & follow my commitments more! I lack motivation, I need energy! If I'm not restless, I'm napping. My mind is a flurry. I'm trying to handle it. It's hard. I can't ever sit still or get comfortable. I got a new book called "Is it Love, or is it Addiction?" So-far, so-good. Glad I got it. Anyway, I feel the time, here at La Paloma, slowly drudging by. It's been longer than I thought, though. It's good. I might be getting into Oasis (Sober Living house in Chattanooga) after this. I'm spending the holidays with the family. I sure miss them. Family weekend is this upcoming weekend. Anxious about that! Hehe!
Today was dreary! It poured rain all day, and dropped temperature immediately. Showed off the time-line of my life to Pat. Almost done presenting it. Can't wait for the rest of her feedback. She was like "woah". I wrote Antwain a goodbye letter, with the intent of sending it, but instead threw the letter away. So fuck him. I'm through, and he doesn't deserve a goodbye from me, and he doesn't respect me. Fuck that. I am so hurt and angry, and so over it! So, he's dead to me, in a sense, except in his picture that I will look at to remind me what my Disease of Addiction looks like. I moved rooms now with Suzanne. Yay! She's funny. Night.
Today was alright. It rained all day. Jennifer moved out of the room, because they said she couldn't have a room mate?? SO, I'm moving into Laura/Suzanne's room. I talked to Twain tonight, and he started to shit-talk treatment and the 12-steps. Then, he hung up on me to smoke dope. I fucking hate that. It makes me angry as fuck. So, I will write him one last letter and (hopefully) never talk to him again. Also, I saw mom today. That was cool. She gave me some rockin' gloves, and some Wendy's. Yum! Well, off to bed now! G'night!
So, it's finally December, and it definitely feels like it outside. Freezing cold! Today was awesome! Took my Vistaril all day, saw Pat, got my money off my card, and went to every group. I know I can make it this time, I KNOW IT! Pat and I talked about my stealing and childhood sexcapades today. My two most touchy topics. I think we made somewhat of a breakthrough today. She says those are symptoms of Bi-Polar disorder, and I most-likely have had it my entire life. It makes sense, anyway. It was awkward talking about it. I miss him... Ugh. Both of them, actually, but Twain more. Night!
This day dragged on and on! Saw the doctor, finally. I'm back on Vistaril. I'm curious if I should be on my ADD meds. I can't seem to have any energy. I want to sleep all day, but I don't. I'm so sore, my right heel, ankle, left foot and my back are in so much pain!!! I need a masseuse, or a man's firm tough, to relieve some of this tension. Went to groups today. I need to make a list of shit I need to do. In group tonight, we are talking about compartmentalization and congruence. Basically, lying, and to certain people, and I realize I have a problem with that. Anyway, time for bed. Night!
Today was OK. Went to all but 1 group. Accidentally slept through it. Had a family session today with Pat (my therapist). It sucked. We talked about aftercare. I'm not going back hope, but I MAY get to stay for the holidays. I cried because dad was being so assertive, and I'm just a pussy. They kept bringing Chattanooga up, too. I'm dreading it, but it must be for the best. Lex (my recovering sister) makes me jealous because she has pretty much all I want, and it seems like a lifetime just to get to that point. I'm so impatient! I have to work on that and my self-inadequate thoughts. Blah. That's about it. Night!
Today's been alright. Slow. As if each day is crawling. Didn't go to any groups but DBT (Dialect Behavioral Therapy). Today just sucks. I need my anxiety meds, so I can actually sit through a group. I deal with it better by myself in my room, writing and occupying my time, than sitting still in a group room listening to a monotone voice lecture crap at me. Haven't been able to eat much at all. I want to use. It's unbearable. Last night Jennifer, my roomie, had a "suicide moment," which is a cry for attention, more than anything. Fuck her. That's just how she gets what she wants. Like the radio she "borrowed" and played ALL NIGHT while I tried to sleep. I unplugged that shit. It pisses me off. Ugh! Anyway, I hope I see my doctor tomorrow. I need something for anxiety!!!!
Well, these passed two days have been busy! At residential, you hardly have time to breathe, which is absolutely wonderful. I've been attending all the groups, and doing everything I need to be doing. Suzanne, the nurse, fucking bought me a CARTON of smokes! How sweet of her! She said she was going to buy me "a pack," but brought a carton! I swear, if I wasn't so shocked and on anti-depressants, I would've cried. I gave a pack to my roomie, Jennifer, whom I've grown on. She's real sweet, and I don't worry about her stealing my shit, or fight with her, which is nice. So, I've decided to stick it out with her. We share a lot, too. I saw mom today. Sounds like I may be moving back home. She also got me 2 packs of cigs. LOL! The more, the merrier! She's buying me some clothes, for La Paloma. Xmas is coming up, and she wants me to make a list. Oh GOD! lol I just want to put "forgiveness" and "trust". Anyway, the meetings/groups have been helpful, and I've grown somewhat accustomed to some of the residents here. I'm still timid and mopey, because it's been so cold that I don't want to go outside, ever, during free time, and it's been raining. Now, it's a cross between sleet and snow. I briefly talked to Twain tonight. He's the same, as usual. He pissed me off, and I really shouldn't talk to him, because just the sound of his voice makes me think of/want to hit some crack, but it's SO hard to let him go! I need to address this and have people help me. Ugh! I'm so frustrated/stressed out! I've been prescribed Remeron, for sleep, and it works. Lol Well, night!
Today was okay. Got to chill and get to know peeps better. Lou is cool. He;s from Florida. We seem to be somewhat kindred in spirit. It's nice to have someone to feel cool around. Dave has been eyeballin' me. Tonight, while I was working in my workbook and Jenner & Lou were sittin with me, he was talking about something, then mid-sentence just blurts out "You have a big bra." I'm the only one who heard this, and I said "What?!" and just started laughing so hard. Lou said "that turrets kickin in again?" even though he didn't hear it at all, I found out, when I later told him. Later on, Dave said I have a beautiful smile and I was gorgeous. That made me feel good, even though I'm not interested at all. It's still nice to be attractive to someone and get attention. I am an attention whore, after all. He's sweet though. I'd hit it. LOL.
Today is like any other day. Things come, and things go. Feelin' moody/bi-polar lately. I've noticed I get sad/agitated when no one pays attention to me. Zach keeps making fun of crack addicts, and repeating shit I said, referring to sucking dick for crack, then laughing at it. It's insulting. Jean (Gene?) said she'd be moving me over as soon as there's a bed open. THANK GOD! I need to pray more often. Fount out that I'm indeed not pregnant. No biscuits in this oven. :( I was kind of hoping I was. Anyway, I'm so GD bored! I just want to watch T.V. or play video games or something. I have way too much time to think. I can't think too much in this fragile state. Also, my thinking is very limited at this time, like they're so abundant that I can't organize them and they're moving so fast, that I can't keep up with them. This happened last time, too. Seems like drugs help me think more clearly, as condescending as that might be. Also, I lose my train of thought more often. I just want a pool to swim in. Float on my back, the water drowning the noise out, so it's deathly quiet, except for the sound of water moving. It's so relaxing to look at the night sky and see clusters of stars, or to close your eyes and let your mind go completely blank. Antwain's been on my mind a lot. Not real sure why. I guess because we never really had a chance to make our relationship work, thanks to crack. But we're so hard-headed that it probably wouldn't have lasted long anyway. Then again, I think of when we first met and dated and moved in. We were happy. Content. I wanted/want that again, so badly. I do love him so much. Ever since that day I got totally fucked up on 7H, and he said he loved me. Things just always seem to go wrong with me. They get sour real fast. Why is that? Do I destroy things, subconsciously, that make me happy? Does the Devil have a strange interest in me? I'll never know. I just have to try my damndest to keep things the way they start out, until I die. Until next time....
So it's another day in the life of ME. Not exciting or daring, or dangerous or risky. Just another day, as Warren G says. At least I got to see Kippy 2 days ago. Everyone here at La Paloma pretty much remembers me. They're all so nice. I wonder if this is going to be it. If this will be the last time. Somewhere in my brain, something tells me it isn't the last. What else am I supposed to do? I've known nothing but a life of drugs, alcohol, stealing, lying, and cheating. I don't know what else to do. Everything else is so boring, but chasing Jason, as Antwain says, is dangerous and exhausting. What gets me, is I know I can work high... I quit because Antwain & me got into a fight and etc... Not because I was tired from rippin' 'n' runnin' or too high! Well, I don't know what else to say...
Well, it's Thanksgiving in rehab. I was hoping to see Grandma while she was in town, but that's okay. I would've been in Nashville, still, anyway. My feelings are so mixed. I miss Antwain. It sucks. We hurt each other so much, in so many different ways. I hope to see him again someday. Will I ever find the right person for me, that I'm right for, too? One day I will, but how do I weed out the bullshit? Anyway, I just got done talking to Twain. He's doing good, as far as I know. I have been sleeping a lot. Slept basically all day yesterday. I feel better today, just sad. I don't really know what to think about the other residents here at this moment. They're alright. AND I have Pat as a therapist. :( Ugh... We'll see...
Well, I'm back at La Paloma. Wow. It's been a journey. Crack took hold of me. The Devil has his ways. Antwain & I were getting pretty intolerable together. He still put his hands on me, even after he said he wouldn't as long as I didn't, and I didn't. I kicked holes in his house, instead. LOL Corey's an asshole. He wouldn't even give me a hit before he left. Fucking prick. Sorry, and it's not my fault he couldn't get hard because he was tweakin so bad. He wouldn't leave the floor, couch, or table alone. Just searching for niblets of crack that didn't exist. Freakin psycho... And HE made fun of ME for being a fiend! The nerve... Anyway, I am so GD tired. Can't get enough sleep. Zzzzz....