Well, today is Christmas Eve, and it's been a good day. Yesterday was okay, but emotionally sucked. Spent the day with mom, went to IOP first, then we went shopping. We went to Target. With my gift card from La Paloma, I got 2 CDs (Kid Cudi & Lil Wayne). Afterwards, mom went to work and I wrapped some presents with Shana & Michael (who came over for the night). We watched a couple of movies. Today, we spent the day together, and Bella, Eyona, & Lex got in from their road trip. We went grocery shopping and Shana & Michael went home. I finished making my goodie bags. We had a "birthday dinner" for dad, then me, Anthony, & Lex went to a meeting. That was fun. Anthony's so handsome, and sweet. I made a "Christmas Care Package" for Suzanne and mom says she'll take me to La Paloma tomorrow, so she can open it on Christmas. At least it might bring some Christmas cheer to a hard time in rehab. Anyway, tomorrow's the big day, and I'm super excited. I bet I'm gonna sleep crummy. Dyed my hair more-red today, and painted my nails a different color. Alright, now. I'm tired....


Today, I have been released, or formerly known as discharged, from La Paloma. It was quite emotional, even though I've not cried. Sara gave me a TY beanie baby as a present. A monkey, Coconut. We had graduation, and it was very hard to leave everyone. Alecia, Rosemary, Pat, Suzanne, Suzy, Sara, Adam, Ramsey, the nurses, etc... I was settled, comfortable. Serene. My own "perfect bubble". I want to keep up with all of them, but it's going to be hard. I need to keep in touch with Pat, Carol, and the RC's. I love them all. They've been so helpful. I need to organize my thoughts. They're all jumbled, scattered all over the damn place. So, it's now my job to put them in order, and go with the flow. To process all the information, and elimate the ideas. Writhing in my brain, these thoughts are out of order. Slithering around like a snake. I want my brain to settle down! Dad's birthday was yesterday. He's 49 now. I'm so anxious for Christmas! 3 more days! Kitkat is so sweet. She gave me a back massage this evening. Oh! Shana & Michael came to my graduation today. That was nice. Michael's gotten a mustache and chin beard. Silly lookin goatee. Shana's tits are huge & full of milk, and her belly is gettin big. LOL. Christmas tree is purdy. Man, I miss everyone already, but it's good to be home.


Well, today was kinda sorta bland. Went to Process Group for a bit, then left to go to the Chiropractor. Did X-Rays and found out that my neck is straight instead of curved, how it should be, and the bones are likely pinching nerves. So, he did a couple of adjustments, and I went to go make another appointment. The receptionist let me draw a number for a drawing out of the bucket. I drew #18, and won a huge King-Size Microfiber blanket! How cool! So, I get back to La Paloma, then get a notice that I have to see the doctor. Did that, then I had to see Shelley, the discharge lady. Got my paperwor, went to the business office, got Brad's signature, went next door to Rebecca, did my survey, got my signature and t-shirt, and went to Carol for her signature. Oh! Today Adam wrote me back, and it was the dorkiest, cutest letter ever! Hehe! Oh also, Cujo (the cat) left me a present in the birdcage this morning. It was a female Cardinal. Not bloody, just dead from a likely broken neck. He was so excited to show me, throwing it in the air and everything. So, I freaked all the girls 'n' guys out by showing it to them (a funeral of sorts), and took it to the garden to bury it, so she can be a beautiful flower someday. Not a bland day, afterall. So, I'm going to bed, wishing my stay here wasn't so short, and I'm going to miss everyone. Not enough to come back though. :P


Today's been fun. I held the community meeting, and everyone was glad it went by so fast. Went to WalMart with Jeanie, Ramsey, Jamie, a male RC, and Kim. It was so fun. Got a lot of goodies. :) Some beads, twine, book tabs, pens, glue, sharpies, and some food stuffs! Yay! Oh, and I made some other ladies happy by shopping the best I could for them. They love me, well most of them, and I don't get it. Maybe it's just a front? I don't know. I've been super Bi-Polar lately. Just awful moody. I think it's the neck pains/back pains, and it sets me off. But, I'm recognizing it. Kim is so sweet, compared to Ruby (RCs), who's as dumb as a box of rocks. She just won't leave me alone! Anyway, Suzanne and I have been bonding lately. I've been making hemp bracelets, some for Dad, Noah, Shana, Eyona, Michelle, Lex, and Mom. Made earrings for Mom, Lex, and Michelle. I hope they like them. I know they will, but in their minds as well as their hearts. Also, I need to make cards! So, tomorrow I will finish the bracelets, then work on the cards. Also, I need to make Pat one more pair of earrings & a card. Rosemary, Kim, & Loretta some earrings. Hehe! Maybe a couple of girls, too. LOVE crafts! Paintings for Mom, Dad, Noah, Shana, and Lex too. Well, time for beauty sleep. :) Night...


So, yesterday I had a session with Pat, and we did EMDR. It lead me to the seps 1-3 gate (two columns and the arch) that I had to walk through, in the session, but I never walked through it. All I heard was a soothing, familiar voice say "Patience, guidance, no fear." I had no idea who said it or where it came from. All the sudden, the lights in Pat's office cut off, and we sat there in total silence for about 30 seconds before the lights cut back on. The building's lights didn't go out anywhere else. It was so mystical and wonderful. It was awesome. Then today, I get a returned envelope that I forgot to put Antwain's apartment number on, enclosed with the sweet letters I wrote before I decided to fully cut him from my life. I'm so glad, because I don't want him to get the idea that I want anything to do with him anymore. I don't, because he was nothing more to me than a mere fix, like crack cocaine. I wrote him a letter, replacing those that were sent back to me. I'm not going to burn or send the new letter. Instead, whenever I think about Antwain, I will keep writing letters like that. So, God showed me a new coping skill. Thank you! Oh, last night the fire drill went off at 3:00am, and kept me tossing and turning all night. I worry and pray for Melody (a woman here). She's not in her right mind yet. God, I want you to help guide her. Also, been really irritable lately. I get to go to WalMart tomorrow! Yay! Audrey, the biggest skank-ho bitch keeps invading my vibes, throwing me off completely, which irritates me. Going home next Thursday, and OH-SO ready. :( But I'll miss folks.


Good day, considering my mom said to "keep an open mind" because, if they have a bed at Oasis available before xmas, and I can't have it after the holidays are over, I may have to go before xmas. That upsets me, so I told her I don't want to talk about it until it's an actual issue. Started doin my hemp knots again, and made more earrings. Yay! I really don't know what to talk about. Lately, I've been thinking about drugs and alcohol, and it's furthering to wanting to use, but I'm not. Also, I've been thinking about Twain more often. I wonder what he's thinking, or if he is even thinking about me. Anyway, I've been feeling lethargic about my recovery. That may be because it's time to move forward. Can't really move any further at this point. I'll talk to Pat about it tomorrow.


Well, today was fucking exhausting. Was supposed to see Pat today, but ended up having to go to the IOP (intensive outpatient) orientation instead, then straight to the Chiropractor after that. We had Process Group this morning, which wore me out, then the Community Meeting. OMG. The Community Meeting was ridiculous. How do you nicely tell someone to shut the fuck up while they're still talking? I love Kenyatta, but she just goes on and on and on about the same shit, repeating herself in the process. Pat, herself, could hardly intervene! Anyway, after that was lunch then my epic journey to IOP, where Melody also went on ..... and on... I finally told the IOP dude (at about 2:30), that I had a doctors appointment to be at, around 3:00! He tried to hurry Melody, but ya know how that goes! So, John Little (who keeps throwing more-than-friendly smiles at me, which I like, but makes me feel awkward) takes me to my appointment. I actually made it 10 minutes early, thank God! JUST to find out that I have to come back for x-rays because the machine was being worked on. GREAT. Now, I asked mom to pay another $35 co-pay, but I did find out: my shoulder leans to the left, and so do I. He said he felt strange movement when I moved my neck. SO I still have to do x-rays. Mom said "WELL, I'm gonna talk to this DOCTOR and see what's goin on, because it sounds like he's rippin' you off trying to make you pay another $35 co-pay on some x-rays that should've been taken today!" I agree, though. So, she's calling tomorrow, as I finish my last 10 days here, and in IOP. Blah.


Great, but TIRED day! I've been voted COMMUNITY LEADER of the womens community, and I write the schedule board for the morning, and lead AA/NA/DRA groups at night. Also, as community leader, I get to go to WalMart for the Saturday store run for all the girls! Fun stuff! Yesterday, I saw mom at the family weekend thing. Dad had to work. Oh well. We talked a lot, and it felt good. She's happy for me taking on the leadership role, because it makes her feel that I'm doing good, and meaning it this time. Awesome! Today I held my first meeting, and it was NA. It went great, and everyone said they loved it. :) The topic was "Similarities & Differences in our Addiction." Basically telling them to see the similarities in our stories, rather than the differences. Tomorrow is going to be "Me, Myself, & Trust." I'm happy. Well, night-night time!


Had a great Process Group with Pat today. She touched on Guilt, and how it's an action, that is followed by the feeling of shame. We have to cope with our shame, and learn to put it in the past, instead of constantly relishing/doing it. That's so true! Also, got my nails done today. Yay! They so purdy! Lol Group tonight was good. Just good productive talk. Rosemary, one of the Resident Counselors, is a trip! I love that lady! Audrey is a psycho hellion that won't let shit go. I mean, who "falls in love" in rehab anyway? Ugh, on another note, I'm going to see a Chiropractor next week. AND, this weekend is family weekend! Yay! But mom & dad can't come on Sunday. SADFACE! :( But I get to see them Saturday.


Today was SO lazy and sluggish. Didn't attend hardly any groups but one. Saw Pat today, and finished going over my timeline. Apparently I'm attracted to chaos. Talked to mom today, and had a good talk. I miss them so much. I feel like I have detached from them, and I hope I can spend a few days with them so I can rekindle whatever was lost. I'm hopeful though, more than discouraged, like I was the day I walked into La Paloma. Anyway, Suzanne is an awesome roomie. She makes me laugh so much. We're so much alike. We have that same dorky sense of humor, and morbidness. Oh. Painted rocks today. Also, I've been painting a lot, too. I'm so glad I got my creativity/inspiration back. :) It's nice to feel sober.